Pregnancy was one of the few times that I’ve come close to kung-fu-powing someone in the throat!
I’m not the best at human contact in normal every day life. I love a good hug, but I am an awkward hugger. I will pat you on the back as we embrace rather than just sinking into it, my shoulders are a bit bony and I will probably hold the hug for a little bit longer than is socially acceptable. I don’t like being in enclosed spaces rammed fast with other people and I HATE other people coming in too close to talk to me. Whilst I was pregnant, there was also a small phase where I just hated other people!
So I’m sure you can imagine my absolute horror when, in a pub one day, I was heading to the loo and found myself pinned against a wall by an elderly lady who wanted to grope my bump.
I was big at that point, I had a 6lbs baby doing the Macarena on my bladder and the woman was squeezing so hard that we were all dangerously close to having to man the lifeboats. Women and children first please!
When I recoiled she looked visibly offended- but come on! There’s no other time in life where you would approach a stranger and jiggle their belly fat!
Then, there’s the unsolicited advice, the horror stories about the vaginal tears and leaky nipples.
Like firstly…”hello stranger nice to meet you,…”
Secondly…”What the actual fuck…”
Thirdly…”I’m standing in Boots holding onto pile cream, please do stop discussing my cervix!”
But…fear not my pregnant friends! There are ways to politely discourage those who cross the boundaries of what is socially acceptable behaviour.
First, decide what makes you uncomfortable. You might quite like a jiggle by strange old ladies…and hey, I’m not here to judge! Whatever floats your boat!
Then (and here’s the part that I struggled with a bit), just be firm. A few solid options might look like:
“Please don’t touch my belly,”
“I’m sorry, I’m about to pee, please stop jiggling,”
“I’d rather not talk about the balloons hanging out of my back passage thank you.”
Remember, their awkwardness is not your responsibility. They might look embarrassed, or get defensive, but the discomfort belongs to them now.
Setting boundaries isn’t rude. Poking your swollen belly button is!
Use humour if it helps and recruit allies- a partner, colleague, or friend that’s not afraid to bite!
You’re not being dramatic, sensitive, ungrateful, or difficult. You’re simply protecting your own space and sanity……and desperately trying to stop peeing yourself!